


What you need

by niamhilysb



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: And in love, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, M/M, Malec, Marriage Proposal, Oneshot, Post 3x16, Post-Episode: s03e16 Stay With Me, but not really i’m sorry, its really not a happy fic, they’re both really hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2020-01-04 22:35:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18353087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niamhilysb/pseuds/niamhilysb
Summary: Alec had it all planned. He was proposing tonight. Even if Magnus said no, he wanted to show him that he loved Magnus forhim, not for his magic and he wanted to marry him. The one thing he didn’t plan for was not even being able to ask.





	What you need

**Author's Note:**

> so hi. i wrote this so quickly after seeing 3x16 i’m really sorry. i wanted to make it cute but i just can’t stop thinking about the breakdown between malec maybe happening in next weeks ep so yeah this happened instead. 
> 
> hope you enjoy if you read!
> 
> find me on twitter [@jjksmalec](http://twitter.com/jjksmalec)  
> 

Alec fiddled with the box - that he’d been messing with for the past hour - trying to calm his nerves. 

_This is Magnus. You know him. You love him. You can do this._

He hadn’t planned to propose so early into their relationship but he supposed he’d never planned on meeting anyone like Magnus at all. Dreamt about it, yes. But the idea that he would ever love anyone else the way he loves Magnus is so unbelievable and impossible that he just doesn’t see any reason to hold back. Magnus could say they don’t need to rush and that they should slow down but why not grab life by the hands and dance away together. 

Seeing Magnus lying on that bed, motionless and silent, instilled a fear in Alec that he didn’t know he was capable of. He had always thought that he was prepared for his loved ones to die. Growing up as a shadowhunter, you have to be. But the pain he felt seeing Magnus clinging onto life was so unbearable and heart wrenching that he realised the saying “Shadowhunters only love once” was true. 

He pushed his chair back resolutely, wandering over to his fireplace with the ring box still clutched in his hand. He’s been holding onto it like a lifeline ever since Maryse handed it over to him with the proudest smile on her face and tears in her eyes. 

_  
“I always thought the proudest I would ever feel was when you became head of the institute. But I was so wrong, Alec. I’ve never been more proud of the man you’ve become than I am now.” She’d said, holding his hand between hers, the box feeling like a promise._

The significance of giving Magnus a ring with his very shadowhunter surname embedded onto it is not lost on Alec. More than anything, he wanted Magnus to realise that he loves him for who he is, not what he is. Magnus’ words from three days ago were still haunting Alec. 

_“Look at me. Can you honestly say you like this?”_

Was that really what Magnus thought? That Alec fell in love with the high warlock and not with Magnus himself. It couldn’t be further from the truth. When Alec thought of love he thought of Magnus’ soft smile when Alec told him he was beautiful. He thought of waking up in Magnus’ arms knowing he would get to return to them that night. He thought of the way Magnus kissed him like they were made for each other. Magnus’ magic was a part of him and it was beautiful but it was not what Alec fell in love with. 

But despite what he had told Magnus, Alec got the feeling Magnus still didn’t believe him. And that had to change. 

He shook himself out of his thoughts and decided to go over the gist of his proposal speech. He knew it would most likely come out as an uncoordinated jumble of words when it came down to it but he wanted to try and get some of his feelings about Magnus across. Although he doubted that what he felt about Magnus could truly be put into words. 

_“Magnus, when you came into my life I was a different man. I was caught in a lie that I believed I had to keep for the rest of my life, too scared to dream of there being any other options for me. I fell for you so quickly because you are unlike anyone I’ve ever known in the best way. You are the most interesting, captivating and beautiful man I’ve ever met and you tore through my walls and secured a place in my life and my heart for yourself, without me even realising at first. I told you I don’t think I can live without you but it’s so much more than that. I know now I _can’t_ live without you but I also know I don’t want to live without experiencing everything with you. You were my first everything and I’m so grateful to have those moments to cherish with you. I know we haven’t been together for that long but we’ve never been the most conventional of couples. So with that in mind would you, Magnus Bane, do me the honour of marrying me?” _ Alec murmured under his breath, voice shaking as he imagined saying this to Magnus’ face. 

As he continued to stare at the fireplace, lost in his thoughts about perfecting the speech, Isabelle poked her head round his open door. 

“It’s all done, Alec. Ready for whenever you are.” She smiled, looking so beyond happy for him already that he almost couldn’t look at her. 

“Thanks, Iz. Magnus should be here soon.” He exhaled, feeling a stab of worry at that thought. 

“It’s going to be perfect, big brother. Magnus loves you. And I’m so happy you found him.” She walked closer, looking sincerely at him. 

“I know, I just don’t want him to think it’s too quick or for it to come out wrong. I’ve thought through what I’m going to say but as soon as I see him, I’ll probably forget.” Alec worried, voicing his thoughts knowing that Izzy wouldn’t judge him. 

“You don’t need to plan it. You’ll know what to say when it happens. I know you will.” She reassured him, reaching to place a hand on his arm comfortingly. 

“Knock knock.” Magnus’ voice sounded behind them and they both turned quickly while Alec slipped the box into his pocket subtly. 

“I’ll leave you guys to it. Text me if you remember, Alec.” She winked at him, while he shook his head at her warningly. 

Magnus wandered into Alec’s office as Isabelle left, looking slightly different, having styled his hair and done his makeup himself. 

He still looked as breathtaking as the first time Alec had seen him in person. 

“So where are we going, Alexander? You can’t keep it as a surprise for much longer.” Magnus asked, standing right next to Alec now. 

“Follow me.” Alec held his hand out for Magnus to take, smiling slightly at how Magnus’ eyes widened at the gesture. They rarely held hands in the institute; even with Alec in charge, there were still many close minded shadowhunters - which had been proven when Magnus briefly moved in last week. 

Magnus’ hand slotted perfectly between Alec’s, grounding him and calming his nerves slightly. 

They left Alec’s office hand in hand and Alec led them to the elevator, hoping his plan of getting Izzy to organise the setting for their dinner was a good one. 

And he let out a sigh of relief when they arrived on the roof, it was beautiful. Izzy had strung up some lights which glittered perfectly and the skyline of Brooklyn was visible in the night sky. There was a round table in the centre, with two candles lit and two glasses of wine waiting for them with another bottle to the side. Alec had already arranged for the food to be delivered to them in around ten minutes and he had a shadowhunter waiting to bring it up to them. 

“Alexander. This is…” Magnus murmured, taking the sight in with wide eyes. 

“Too much?” Alec questioned, swinging their still joined hands anxiously. 

“No, it’s perfect.” He breathed out. 

They sat down at the table, Magnus picking up his glass of wine immediately and taking a rather large swig. 

Alec tried to calm down before the food arrived because he wasn’t going to propose until after they’d eaten. And he sure as hell wouldn’t be able to eat in this state. 

“How are you doing?” He blurted out, wanting this to feel like a normal date night for both of them. 

Magnus opened his mouth and then closed it again, taking another sip of wine. “I’m fine, Alec.” He spoke carefully. 

Alec frowned, not wanting anything to ruin this night but also wanting to press Magnus because it was clear he was lying. First of all, he called him Alec.

“You can tell me, Magnus. You don’t have to put those walls up with me anymore.” He said gently. 

“I’m not putting walls up. I’m saying I’m fine.” 

“But you weren’t fine two days ago.” 

“Alexander-” Magnus started but right then there was a knock at the door to the rooftop and Alec got up to take their dinner from the young shadowhunters hands. 

He set it down on their table but didn’t take the dishes out, wanting to make sure Magnus was truly okay first. 

“Look I know how hard it’s been for you, Magnus. I just want to understand, I want to-” 

“You can’t understand! You won’t ever be able to, Alec! I can’t put into words how I feel because I don’t even know how I feel myself. When I wake up, I still click my fingers and expect my hair and makeup to be done, I still try and open doors with my magic and turn the lights on and off with a gesture. So if you want to know how I feel… I feel nothing. Empty.” Magnus finished, breathing hard and looking everywhere but Alec. 

This was not going the way Alec planned. He needed to change the mood. 

“I know I don’t understand Magnus but you don’t have to shut me out.” Why did that come out so defensively? Alec hadn’t meant for it to. 

Magnus’ eyes flashed dangerously and that was the first sign that things were going downhill. “So just because I don’t tell you everything I feel about every single thing that’s happened to me, now I’m shutting you out? That’s rich coming from you. When we first met all you did was shut me out.” 

Alec gaped, surprised Magnus had gone with such a low blow, “You know I had a lot going on back then, I-”

“And I don’t? Everything I’ve done for the past three months has just resulted in me losing more and more.” 

“I know! You think I don’t know that? I know grief and loss too. You’ve lived for longer than me so of course it’s different but don’t act like the past three months haven’t been hard for both of us.” 

Magnus stood up, “Hard? I’ve lost one of my oldest friends, my title,my magic, my dignity and my immortality. I could die tomorrow for all anyone cared and…” 

Alec’s mind blanked out then. Hearing those words so soon after seeing Magnus lying on that bed merely floors below them had him choking on a gasp. He couldn’t breathe. All he could see was Magnus dying, Magnus bleeding out, not being able to feel his pulse. Tears spring to his eyes against his will and he’s powerless to stop them as they sting and roll down his cheeks. 

He sucked in a breath, not noticing that Magnus has stopped talking and is gazing at him with sudden concern. 

“Alexander…” Magnus spoke softly, the harsh tone of his voice gone and he stepped closer seeming to hesitate about touching him. 

He blearily registered Magnus kneeling in front of him, taking his hands loosely. 

“Alec. What happened?” 

And that breaks through the haze. 

“YOU ALMOST DIED! I saw you coughing up blood and having a seizure in my office, Magnus. I thought… I was going- I was losing you and- I was useless, I couldn’t help you. I once asked you what you were afraid of but I never realised I’d experience my own greatest fear. I… It was the worst moment of my life, Magnus. So for you to just casually mention dying… It’s too much. I can’t-” He stopped talking, too choked up to continue. 

Magnus has tears in his eyes when he finally looked up, with their hands still joined. 

“I didn’t… I didn’t know. I didn’t think.” He whispered, the words almost inaudible. 

“Alexander, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. My life has been sunshine and rainbows compared to this absolute trainwreck. I feel like I have no purpose anymore and… I just don’t…” To Alec’s complete horror, Magnus stopped as he started to cry, the sound heartbreaking and resounding all the way to Alec’s heart. 

“I…’ He sniffed, ‘I want to tell you how I feel but I’m not used to feeling like this. I just want to be myself again. And I don’t know how.” 

They’re both crying now, in the worst turn of events ever. This is not what Alec wanted to happen. 

But as he sits there, Magnus absolutely broken before him, he does know one thing. 

He is going to find a way to get Magnus’ magic back. The Lightwood ring sits in his pocket like a weight on his back now. But there’s no way he can propose with Magnus feeling like this. He needs to make things right first.


End file.
